In February of 1998, I attended the funeral of my partner's father. I'd met the man little more than a week before, as he lay in the hospital after brain surgery. In fact, aside from my partner's mother, I was meeting her entire family for the first time during this crisis.
Despite this, his widow asked me to be a pallbearer at the service. Naturally, I agreed. I even wore an angel pendant that day with his birthstone in it. These small gold-plated pins were given out by a family member as a symbol of remembrance. I was uncomfortable wearing this religious symbol, but grudgingly went along with the gesture.
One thing I did not do, however, was sing a religious song during the funeral itself. It was a song I didn't know, but wouldn't have sung even if I had. The lyrics praised God as being the be-all and end-all, worthy of our undying praise, and other such nauseating stuff. I stood there politely, respectful of others' desire to sing, but kept my mouth shut. When my partner noticed this, she looked at me and said under her breath, "Sing!"
I was completely shocked by this. She knows I am a staunch atheist. How could she expect me to sing a song praising God? I was so appalled by her urging that, instead of simply ignoring her wish, I responded rather tersely, "No!"
Naturally, we had a bit of an argument about this some time later. The situation stemmed from the fact that, though we are both non-believers, we have different views about religion in general. But it all boiled down to the fact that she felt it was rude and inconsiderate of me not to sing, and I felt it was rude and inconsiderate of her to expect me to. Also, to her it was just a song. It was just singing. But it wasn't just a song. It was a song that praised the Judeo-Christian god. I would no more sing it than I would expect her to sing a song that endorsed child abuse. The whole situation made me regret even wearing the angel pendant. It went against my principles.
Years ago, I even attended an Easter church service with the family of my ex-wife. We were engaged at the time and she did not want her very religious parents to know that I was an atheist. I don't know why I agreed. Possibly, it was simply to pacify her and not cause any contention sooner than necessary. Do I regret doing it? Of course. I compromised my own principles to appease her family. Did that compromise solve anything; did anything good come of it? No. Had I sung the song at the funeral, I would have been doing the same thing, and the only good that would have come of it was that my partner would have been pacified. Wearing the angel pendant made me very uncomfortable, but seemed to make very little difference either way to those around me. It reminded me of how I hate compromising my principles unless absolutely necessary, and I vowed not to do it again.
I once made the embarrassing mistake of preparing a dinner with ground turkey for some guests who were vegetarians. I didn't know they were vegetarians until that moment, though, but once I learned this, I whipped up some pesto spaghetti. Knowing their dietary preferences, I would never think to offer them meat again.
Similarly, one who knows your religious views should not try to make you go against them. Our principles make us who we are. They can change as we age, they can be suspended if doing so will accomplish a greater good... but they should never be compromised. To do so is a self-betrayal. Not the biggest crime in the world, but harmful nonetheless.
So be true to yourself. You'll feel better.
