My eldest nephew got married recently. It made me think of my own wedding, back in the autumn of '93.
The wedding day is one of the most important days in anyone's life. And no matter what your religious beliefs, you want everything to go just right. If you're an atheist, though, and your agnostic intended's family is Christian, the odds are stacked against you from the start. Here's a hint for you: Don't for a minute think that the wedding is for you. It's not. It's for the parents.
I'd like to share just a few of the issues that I had the pleasure of dealing with.
From the first day we began planning our wedding, we had problems with her parents. Both of us insisted on an outdoor wedding. Her parents, of course, wanted it in a church. Voicing our wishes to them did nothing to change their minds. We explained that an outdoor ceremony was something both of us had always wanted, to be surrounded by nature, not walls. They wanted the religious symbolism to be found in churches; we wanted to avoid it. I finally had to put my foot down and absolutely refuse to be wed in a church. This was seen as me being "uncooperative," when in reality, it was the only way to get them to drop the idea of a church wedding.
Naturally, they wanted a priest from their church to do the ceremony. I actually agreed to this. Provided, I stipulated, that he would do a non-religious ceremony. We met with the man, a long-time friend of their family. I found him to be a very pleasant gentleman and would have gladly had him be the officiant at our ceremony. And he said he'd love to, but he couldn't, knowing that I was an atheist. I'd assumed as much.
When we told them that I was writing our vows, they were concerned. And they did everything they could to try to insert some sort of religion into the service. My fiancée would show me excerpts, chosen by her father, from a religious book used in her parents' church. She didn't care one way or another, and was only showing them to me to placate her parents and hopefully to come to some kind of compromise. And in fact, I was willing to include something, so long as it didn't overtly violate my beliefs. Without fail, there was always something that caused me to reject the passages.
By the way, this went on for many weeks. He'd choose a passage, she'd present it to me, I'd reject it... It was an annoyance to me, frustrating for him, but absolutely horrible on her. She was trying so hard to find a happy medium, and it just wasn't happening. At one point, she lost her patience and accosted me, asking why I couldn't just put something in. After all, if I didn't believe it, what difference would it make? I know it was just the frustrating nature of the situation that drove her to that. She does understand that it made all the difference in the world.
One day, her father and I had a long talk. He explained to me that his faith had certain views on the father-daughter relationship. Specifically, the father was responsible for the spiritual upbringing of the daughter, until the daughter married, at which point it was the husband's role. Since his daughter's future husband was an atheist, he could not feel that he'd be turning over the responsibility to someone who would actually do the job. Therefore, he would always feel the duty was his.
I pointed out that his daughter was perfectly capable of looking after her own spiritual life. The idea that she wasn't was totally offensive, and I told him as much. He simply shrugged and reiterated that this was the belief of his faith.
Too bad, I told him. He'd have to get used to never relinquishing that particular burden.
The single event that I personally found most offensive was after the wedding. We'd received an extravagant present from a couple who were friends of her parents. Church friends. I'd never met them before the wedding day, and my bride barely knew them. Upon being told of the very expensive gift, her mother said that we were seeing the spirit of Christian giving.
The implication there, of course, was that Christians are more giving, by nature, than non-Christians. I suppose it never occurred to her that it could just as easily have been seen as an example of the flaunting of wealth.
The years of our marriage were always tainted by the fact that my in-laws never approved of their daughter marrying an atheist. I never truly felt comfortable in their home. I never felt like part of their family. I never heard words of endearment from them. In fact, it was a long time before her mother would actually look me in the eye, and years before she would be more than superficially polite to me.
Before the revelation of my atheism, we'd gotten along pretty well. Although they were both very conservative, unlike myself, we could have fine conversations. Her father and I would talk about plotting the downfall of the IRS. Her mother and I would discuss cooking. But when they learned I was an atheist, it all changed. From that point on, it didn't matter how well we'd gotten along before, or how much in common we had. All that mattered was that I didn't believe what they believed.
I have no doubt that they blame my atheism for the fact that our marriage ended and that we are now divorced. Naturally, such is not the case, but if that's what they choose to believe, I can't really stop them.
I doubt they're too thrilled with my replacement in their daughter's life, however. He's Wiccan.
