BEWARE readers! There are serious evil forces engaged in a battle to corrupt your children and drive them to utter destruction! I know the names of these evil forces, and I am here to pass them on to you so that you may keep an ever vigilant eye open to protect the sanctity of your family. The names of these evil forces are-Pokemon, Disney, Teletubbies, Harry Potter, Holiday Inn, Levi Strauss, Planned Parenthood, and that most horrendous purveyor of malevolence-Barney!

This is an example-albeit more humorous-of the rhetoric that Christian Fundamentalists, a.k.a. "Fundies", spew on a regular basis that's akin to the condition of one's behind after they've eaten a ton of greasy Mexican food. That comparison isn't pretty, but neither is the continual flow of filth that comes from the talking heads of the Religious Right. One has to wonder what is it about these companies, products, and organizations that has this group's wool in a bunch? It is called freedom of expression. It is called individuality. It is called the First Amendment. You would think that these mentally defective disseminators of the Ancient Lie would focus on their own families and how to combat detrimental societal affects on their own bratty children ( Yes bratty-have you've ever been around a preachers kid?…unbearable monsters!) instead of worrying about what's going on in their neighbor's backyard. It seems to me that they spend an awful lot of time "watch dogging" the mass media looking for slightest indication of the existence of immoral or obscene material than they do reading their own bibles. A steady onslaught of Christian boycotts still make the front pages, although I don't really know why it's still newsworthy. There's nothing mustier than yet another Christian boycott that is blatantly representative of their prejudices. These people boycott everything you can think of, and they'd probably be at their happiest if we all lived in caves, with a patriarchal family structure, and 24 hours of the 700 Club pumped into biologically-implanted headsets . The very idea makes me want to go "postal" myself.

What do these things represent to the Fundies, and does it really matter? Pokemon is considered the first step to those demonic magic cards and role playing games. You know the ones that you have to use your imagination and pretend your something your not…you know like acting? Why, these Christians even feel that the show's theme song fuels a child's craving for more occult games, toys, gadgets, and comic books. Of course, this is what the Godless Japanese want anyway, isn't it? They hypnotically induce our children to crave Pokemon products so they can sell more worthless junk to stupid, capitalistic Americans. I can tell you I tremble in the night when I think of my children being under the wicked power of Pikachu and Charmander reaching out for that Ouija board to contact Satan (or Satin as some Fundies have spelled it) and bring on the legions of demons to force their father and I to have ice cream for dinner every night.

In the same vein, are Barney and Harry Potter. Now I don't know about you, but I boycott Barney because of his nausea factor, and his ability to make grown adults run out of the room in quest of Peptol Bismol. But the Fundies are boycotting Barney because he has a witch show up regularly on his show and is thereby teaching children that witchcraft and paganism is OK. Of course, they've completely forgotten, due to their self-induced amnesia, that their own religion is rooted in Paganism. Ever heard of selective memory? It doesn't apply to just members of the male sex…ha ha.

Harry Potter is being raked through the coals of the intellectually disabled with equal vigor. Harry Potter is an "evil little boy" who practices witchcraft and kills people. My oldest daughter has read three of the books-maybe that's why she has voodoo dolls of her little sister hanging in her room?…hmmmm. Let's not forget of course that in the Christian bible, Saul himself sought out the help from the witch of Endor to conjure up the spirit of Samuel. Apparently, witches do come in handy to the believers of God, but become scapegoats and abominations when their services aren't being used. And I don't know, but turning water into blood, turning a staff into a serpent and water into wine smacks of witchcraft to me or some version of wizardry; not to mention the "miracle" cures, the walking on waters, parting waters, levitating, raising the dead, and a multitude of other improbable events that have been attributed to witchcraft at various times throughout history. But of course, these were performed by Jesus and other magical mystery men and that's OK.

What about Disney, Levi Strauss, and the Teletubbies? Well, that's plain and simple. They're working to perpetuate the Homosexual agenda of taking over the United States and forcing us all to become Homosexuals. This would be funny if it wasn't so detrimental to the freedom and the free expression in this country. Tinky Winky is gay? Not once have either of my two daughters commented to me that Tinky Winky seems to have a little sugar in him (a euphemism common in my family to say someone is gay). Instead, my two children are charmed by the little sun baby that coos and giggles. This sends them into hysterical bouts of laughter that lasts a good ten minutes. But I am keeping my eyes open to detect any change in their demeanor towards other girls…like hugging them or telling them I love you. I know how children are mindless puppets at the mercy of TV cartoons. I know this from experience…I don't how many times I dropped an anvil on my brother's head or ordered explosives from ACME.

And let's not forget the evil empire of the Disney corporation, whom we all know is out to push the gay agenda and kill babies. That's right…Disney and their subsidiary companies support Planned Parenthood. We can't have uneducated, poverty stricken, or mentally dysfunctional people out there (drug addicts, alcoholics, abusive types, Fundies) told that they can use a condom to prevent pregnancy and STD's; thereby prolonging their health and their partner's and preventing anymore unwanted children being born. That would seem too practical huh? No, the issue these Fundies focus on is not the healthy attitudes and practices promoted by Planned Parenthood, it is abortions. In fact, Planned Parenthood counsels people on all their options and since, like it or not, abortion is still the legal right of a woman to choose, they counsel on this as well. They treat every alternative equally. I don't know of one person that has come out and stated that Planned Parenthood personnel tied an expectant teenager to the table and performed an abortion. In fact, I suspect that these teenagers were probably more influenced by the fact that Mom and Dad would kick them out of their homes if they found out they were pregnant; or maybe because they knew that they could not in any way take care of themselves let alone another human being who would depend solely upon them for their very survival. So, every time Disney or one of their companies releases a new film, the Religious Right goes on a crusade to find something, anything, immoral or offensive. They go through miles of celluloid to ferret out some pornographic crumb to announce to the world that Disney is at it again.

Everyone look on the tag of your jeans and make sure that it doesn't say Levi Strauss because if you're wearing one of their products, you too are contributing to the gay agenda. Levi Strauss supports gay rights and that's a big no-no according to the Religious goons out strong-arming the gullible American people. Isn't nice that the Religious Right is there to protect us from ourselves? Doesn't make you sleep better at night knowing that Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson are on the watch for our moral health?

Going on Vacation? Don't stay at the Holiday Inn. Christians are boycotting Holiday Inn because they provide in-room pornography on TV. They've seemed to have forgotten that you have to put in your request with the front desk in order for those channels to be de-scrambled. No one is making their children watch these programs. These are for adults who have the free will to choose to watch this genre of entertainment. These Fundies have every opportunity to just say no. Or is that a problem with them? Hmmmm…I seem to recall quite a few sex scandals involving some pretty prominent religious leaders. Maybe they just can't trust themselves? Pretty soon, these Fundies will start banning National Geographic again because of the nude pictures…oooooh. I suspect that it lies in the fact that they aren't allowed to have any fun in their own bedrooms and they don't want anyone else to have any fun either. It seems to me that these intellectually vacant imbeciles are preoccupied with what you and I do in our bedrooms. Sex is an obsession with these people. I guess it just proves the expression correct: You only want what you can't have…or in their case, enjoy.

Now don't get me wrong. Boycotts can be effective tools used to induce change for a worthy or noble cause like the improvement of child labor laws or as in protest if a company forces it's employees to pierce their nipples, shave off all their body hair, and listen to Michael Bolton music for 8-10 hours a day-which is just plain inhumane. But to boycott something just because a small group of undersexed, white people thinks they see the priest in "The Little Mermaid" sporting a woody (which he is not) is ludicrous and asinine. If they want to do something useful and productive, how about going in and cleaning up the ghettoes and slums of just about every major city in this country? Why don't they? Because a bible can't stop a stream of bullets and neither can their God or their sacrificial lamb. No, they're much happier attempting to brainwash and subjugate the masses, specifically children, with their ill-conceived notions of morality and goodness. It's easier and takes much less compassion and tolerance to do.