With the recent school shootings growing ever so frequent, I feel I have to speak up.

Unfortunately, so does the religious community.

I've heard all of the bullshit that they have been spreading, how Eric Harris And Dylan Klebold shot certain people because they were Christians. I've even heard the absurd claim that one girl wrote in her diary that she knew it would be her last year on the world. I didn't laugh when I heard that one.

I've also heard that the killings were racially motivated. That one isn't true, either. I've heard that both practiced occult, that they were Satanic (not that anyone who says that actually knows anything about the Satanic religion) I've heard that they used ouija boards, that they played Dungeons & Dragons, even that they were homosexuals. And I don't believe a word of it.

Now the religious community is pushing for the Ten Commandments to be posted in public buildings, as if somehow these archaic words will solve problems. Others call for Prayer in school. Like we need more superstition taught as fact.

Why do I know so much about the motivations of these shooters? I was one of them.

No, I never killed anyone. But that doesn't mean I didn't want to. I wasn't the only one, either. The problem wasn't that I was evil. The problem was that I was pushed to the edge.

Ever since elementary school, I was an outcast. Not someone who just kept to themselves. Someone who was a target for everyone else's hatred. You all know of whom I speak. The one in class who just didn't fit in. The youngster hierarchy more often than not creates losers than winners. I was stuck at the bottom. I don't know why. I doubt I ever will.

For that reason, I lived my school days in fear. In middle school, when gym class required uniforms, I changed in a restroom stall, for fear that someone would steal my clothes or otherwise sabotage me for a quick laugh. Some were daring enough to make such things happen in front of teachers. And they couldn't protect me. Most didn't care if they got in trouble.

So I spent my days, sitting alone in the lunch room, afraid someone would notice me and make a comment. I walked the halls in strange detours, just to avoid a chance of seeing certain people. I sat alone on the bus, too. All that time, I just tried to be by myself.

It didn't work.

Finally, I had had enough, I got up the courage to inform my parents of the things I suffered. It was a tremendous blow to my self-esteem I felt horrible for sinking to such a low.

I thought I was lucky when they agreed to transfer me to a religious/military school. I thought I could make a fresh start. (Even though I was an atheist, I thought enduring prayers would be easier than enduring the torture I had been through. Famous last words.)

Every single person at my new school was a professed Christian, save me. I played along, wanting to have a good, fresh start. I don't know how a theist would justify God(dess) having such a sick sense of humor. It got worse.

Now I was the target of everyone in the school. The teachers happily ignored what they obviously knew was happening. It wasn't just hazing; it was downright blood thirst. I wore my indignation even harder. I couldn't bear to go to my parents again. I pretended to be a normal, busy, happy teen. After changing schools yet again (my new school only went to eighth grade), I felt completely hopeless. I needed a fresh start again, but I had no place to go. My most recent school was chock full of graduates of my former, so I had little to start over with.

I finally succeeded in getting myself kicked out senior year, and went to a remedial school for several months. Only then was I free from the horrors that scarred me forever.

Now, how exactly would mandatory prayer or posting of the Ten Commandments help this situation? Dylan and Eric I see as similar beings, and although I don't agree with what they did, I do understand where they came from. Don't get me wrong, they aren't about to be praised by me. What they did was wrong. Horrible.

But I thought about it, too. I thought how satisfying it would be. I knew what I was thinking of was inexcusable, but I figured it was worth it, at the time.

Now, my question to all of you god-shouters is, what makes you think Klebold and Harris didn't know killing was wrong? I know exactly why they did it. Stretch their sanity far enough, it will snap. Do you really think an ancient deity shaking a finger from thousands of years ago condemning their actions would have stopped them?

The way to stop these shootings is to instill a sense of compassion in our children. God can't help you here, he fucked up royally, both in all the victims cases and the shooters. Teach your kids the golden rule. Maybe a few enlightened children can actually stop the next one who goes off the deep end. The world really needs more Christ-like Teenagers and youths. (Not the schizo 'follow me or burn' kind, the "love thine enemy" kind.)

Oh, and by the way, the worst I ever got was in a Christian school. The Ten Commandments were posted there. If I had access to a weapon, and I was back in high school, I can't say I wouldn't be pushed far enough. Remember that, next time you have the audacity to say that religion's the cure.

P.S. - I have recently met with three other former classmates who had similar experiences. All entertained thoughts of murder as closure. One was brave enough to bring a knife to school, with full intention of using it. I guess some people are lucky he has willpower.

All three are Christians.