Polyamory is not "cheating." It is a relationship structure built with the knowledge and approval of all partners involved. No secret relationships exist in polyamory. Openness, honesty, communication, trust... All the things that are key to a monogamous relationship are vital to polyamory.

Polyamory is not out to replace monogamy. Just as monogamy doesn't "fit" certain individuals, neither does polyamory. The two practices are not mutually exclusive, nor opposed in any way. Like most things in life, it's a matter of personal choice.

There you have it, in a nutshell. Multiple romantic loves built on trust, openness, honesty, respect, and acceptance. Is it a perfect relationship structure? Of course not. Nothing's perfect, especially people. And a relationship is made up of people. So the more people involved, the more potential problems you've got. Of course, you've also got just that much more of a support structure to help fix things.

Sure, there will be problems. Jealousy may still be an issue in a polyamorous relationship. But many have learned to feel the opposite of jealousy, an emotion known as "compersion." Jealousy, at its root, is about possessiveness. And we don't own each other. We often say, "I want you to be happy; I'm happy when you're happy." But if that happiness involves your loved one having emotional intimacy with another, we often see this attitude turning the other direction, don't we? Those who feel compersion, though, do not. They actually are happy for their lovers having lovers.

It is, to my mind, a pretty progressive, enlightened kind of thing. Certainly, it's easy to be poly in theory, but quite another in practical application. I can't tell you how many times I've met one person who accepts it, but is married to a jealous spouse who doesn't understand it, let alone accept it. I've even had friends I've known since college admit this to me. So, while only a tiny percentage of American society is polaymorous... you just never know who is poly. And often, neither do they.

The irony here is that lots of poly nay-sayers feel it's too idealistic of a relationship format, that it can never work. And yet, lots of people in this world (including some of these very poly naysayers) keep hoping for the "perfect" person to come along. They never hesitate to talk about "Mr. Right" or "Ms. Perfect." They'll place personals ads with laundry lists of necessary traits in a potential mate. They seem to honestly believe that there's one perfect person for each of us. I find that laughable. People are not static creatures. So a person who is "perfect" for you today may not be tomorrow... because each of you will change, and not necessarily in complementary fashions. So what then? Well, the standard practice in our society is that you break up, because the relationship no longer fills all your needs (if it ever really did). That's the beauty of polyamory, in my mind. You don't go into a relationship with unrealistic expectations. You already know that this person is not "perfect" for you, because no one is. But they do fulfill a significant number of your wants and needs (otherwise you wouldn't be attracted to them in the first place). You don't hold them to any ridiculously high standard, nor do they do the same to you. Everything is much more down-to-earth, more manageable. And you're both free to give and take what you can, without holding any resentment toward each other for not being "everything" you need in a partner. You're less likely to go "looking" for the missing things on the side (i.e., cheat on your partner). Further, you're less likely to leave that partner when you do find someone who fills those missing needs (but who will, inevitably, fail to meet all your needs in a way just somehow different from your last partner). Serial monogamy is our way of life in this society, but I think it's a bunch of crap. Why end a decent relationship just because you want to start another one?

Anyway... as many poly folk did, I originally heard of this idea while reading the works of Robert A. Heinlein as a teen. In many of his books, Heinlein portrays polyamorous relationships in the form of group marriages. The concept intrigued me, all those years ago. It seemed to me to be a perfectly natural state of love. The positive aspects seemed numerous, and the negative aspects very limited. Nevertheless, these were, after all, science fiction books... Such a thing didn't really exist in the world I knew.

Over time, as my interest in love and relationships grew, I fell into the standard American mind-set: one man, one woman. Oh, I didn't disapprove of same-sex relationships. But I was thinking in terms of myself. I can admire a handsome man easily enough, but I'm far too entranced by women to ever give men much thought.

Of course, my actions didn't agree with my "standard American" attitude. I constantly developed crushes on various young ladies, often simultaneously, all throughout high school. I knew, deep down, that I could be crazy about Betty and Veronica at the same time, even if Archie couldn't decide. But the pressure of societal norms kept me from really taking the time to get in touch with those feelings, really understanding what they were all about.

Then, a few years after college, something happened that caused these thoughts to come to the fore again. I found myself passionately in love with two women at the same time. I still wouldn't face up to my poly inclinations, however. I'd long since filed Heinlein's idealistic paradigms into the recesses of my brain, and had not yet even heard the word "polyamory."

Nevertheless, the seed was planted.

As events would have it, one of the two eventually (sadly) withdrew from my life. And a few years later, I happily married the other one. Our first year of marriage was pretty much idyllic. It absolutely flew by. The second went pretty darn quickly, too. Sometime during the third, however, things started to feel a little "off." I began to feel discontent.

What was it? That's hard to say. There were a lot of things going on that could have added up to produce what I felt. I was in a job I hated, my depression was resurfacing again... But there were other things. As much as I loved my wife, I didn't feel complete. I couldn't pinpoint what it was, but I knew something was wrong.

And then, one day, I discovered polyamory. The word, that is. I don't remember how, just now, but I discovered the Loving More website. I read about poly, and it was an epiphany. So after many months of inner turmoil, during which I'd unconsciously distanced myself from my wife, I realized that the turmoil was my poly side coming out. It didn't matter that there wasn't another object for my affections at that time. In fact, it didn't matter if there never would be another person in my life that I could love. What mattered was that I needed to admit this to myself, to my wife, to the people I cared about.

I was coming out of the poly closet.

Not the easiest task, let me tell you. I got queasy whenever I thought of how my lovely wife would take such an announcement. I envisioned her feeling that this meant that she was somehow inadequate, or some other silly thing. In fact, as I would later explain to her, it had nothing to do with her, and everything to do with me. This was what I was. I couldn't repress these feelings again any more than a gay person could go straight just from wanting to. It's a much deeper thing than a mere conscious decision.

To my surprise and delight, I found the spousal reaction to be open and accepting. It wasn't something that she'd ever given thought to before, but once she did, she saw how much sense it made. And she instinctively knew the one thing that eludes so many: Love is not a finite resource.

Ask anyone with more than one child. The love for the first child is not diminished when the second arrives. Or third, or fourth... Nor does it happen with friends. Very few people have only one friend, and the depth of our caring for one is not lessened by suddenly gaining others. Similarly, love for a primary partner is not diminished by the arrival of a second love interest. Or third, or fourth...

Humans are capable of so much love that it can't be measured. Well... Some humans, anyway.

The next step was to "come out" to certain friends and family members. Not an easy thing, either. Who to tell, who not to tell? We knew certain individuals would have no problem with it at all. We knew others who might not understand it at all, but would accept whatever we decided to do. And we knew still others who would not have good reactions whatsoever.

As we expected, many people were of the "that's-odd-but-whatever-makes-you-happy" viewpoint. A few were really put off by it, also not to our surprise. But what did surprise us was how many people reacted with, "Wow, I thought I was the only person who felt that way!"

We were on our way.

Skip forward in time about a year. A lot happened. My writings on the web, including this column (the original version of it, anyway) drew a lot of attention. From practically the day this article went online, I began receiving email about it. Most of them were from people who felt the same way about love. Some were from those who thought it was a nice theory, but could never work in a realistic way. Many were from people who were just curious. They asked a lot of questions and I did my best to answer them. I didn't have a lot of experience, but I'd met a lot of poly people, so I had their shared wisdom to draw upon.

Many of these people were met at the East Coast Poly Gathering. This was held at Four Quarters Farm, near the Pennsylvania/Maryland border. It was a memorable experience, not the least reason for which was that my wife contracted a nasty case of poison ivy.

There were a lot of people there, though there would have been many more if the weather hadn't been so bad. A hurricane off the coast had pushed some very heavy rains inward. A tornado or two had touched down the previous evening not far from the farm. When we arrived, roads were washed out. It was pretty terrible and I know there were a lot of cancellations.

The weather also played havoc with the schedule of events. Everything that was to have happened Friday night simply didn't. So all those events were squashed into Saturday and Sunday. There were a lot of interesting seminars and discussion groups, and lots of interesting people.

The majority of people there seemed to be of alternative religions. This didn't surprise me. Polyamory is a non-traditional kind of thing. It only stands to reason that people who identify with it also identify with non-traditional systems of beliefs.

Meeting the people was the most fascinating part of the gathering. One thing that became quite clear very quickly: there are a lot of different forms of polyamory. We met people involved in close-knit families, extended families, and some who had many lovers but lived with none of them.

One particularly memorable gentleman was named Earle. He was not a young man. I'm a terrible judge of age, but I'd guess he was sixty, at least. He and his wife lived in a house with two other couples. Each man was involved with each woman. Several of them had relationships outside of the household, too. His own legal wife, in fact, was not in attendance at the gathering because she was in England, visiting one of her lovers, it being their tenth anniversary. Earle said he'd been living a polyamorous lifestyle for over two decades. He had a lot of wisdom to share. Like most wisdom, his words rang heavily of common sense. He said things I'd always said to myself. But it helps to hear it from someone else.

One of the things that was said really stuck with me. During one seminar, the leader asked us a question. "Would you all agree," she said, "that the most common form of relationship in this country is monogamy?" We all pretty much nodded our heads, thinking that it sure wasn't polyamory, so it must be monogamy. All but one of us. This gentleman shook his head and said, "No. The most common form of relationship is cheating."

And the light of comprehension swept the group. Yes, of course it was. Everyone there knew of people who had cheated on their spouses. And how many more did we not know of? And cheating isn't limited to just sexual forays, either. How many people end up leaving their spouses for the other man or woman? Quite a lot. This has always struck me as foolishness. As was often said at the gathering, (again...) why end a good relationship just because you want to start another one?

Many other things were said, but I think the one thing I learned that was most helpful to me was this: to make a Poly relationship succeed, treat it the same way as you would a "normal" relationship. Everything is the same, just more so. Yes, it will take more effort. But the results will be worth it.

At one point, and I don't recall exactly when, I created PAARC, noted above. I thought something needed to be done to promote this alternative lifestyle and ribbon campaigns were "hot" at the time. So be it. (By the way, this is the site that contains the "definition" of polyamory posted at the beginning of this article.)

Interestingly, MTV's series, "Sex in the 90s" did a segment on Polyamory. And while the PAARC site wasn't featured in their internet portion of the show, the background I created for the PAARC site was shown on another Poly page as several sites were flashed in sequence. I guess that was PAARC's fifteen milliseconds of fame.

At one point, the site was home to "PAARC Central," which was a vast collection of poly links. But over the years, the links became outdated, and I never had time to maintain them, so it eventually went away.

Infinite Love graphic by Brian Crabtree

So what practical application of polyamory have I had in my life? Well, not long after the East Coast Poly gathering, my wife and I became involved with another couple we'd met on the internet. For a while, things seemed to go pretty well. But the relationship was plagued with mistakes and problems throughout.

One of the easiest mistakes to make with any relationship, I think, is to get so caught up in the good feelings brought on by being involved in a new relationship (which is often termed "New Relationship Energy" or just "NRE") that you lose sight of reality. You tend to have a rosy outlook of the future, no matter how unfounded in reality that outlook truly is. This is true of all relationships, even friendships. With poly relationships, if anything, it's even more of a danger.

That was the case with this particular relationship. There were many other problems, too, not the least of which was that I had some internal issues of my own that I was completely unaware of. These issues caused me to distance myself from everyone involved, including my own wife.

By the time our fourth anniversary rolled around, things were very weird. My wife and I weren't as close as we'd been. The other couple had split up; the husband was living with us and the wife had gone back to live with her parents. And I'd gotten involved with a girl over the internet who lived way on the other side of the country. (She was that mythical creature: the hot bi babe looking to get involved with a couple.) By our fifth anniversary, I was with this girl on the other side of the country (through a series of events both strange and tragic), and my wife and I were preparing for divorce. A previous version of this page, written not long after my cross-country move, detailed practically every aspect of the dissolution of my marriage, the breakup of the other couple, my involvement with the internet girl, and so on. But I see no reason to have all that spelled out in such minute detail. Let me just sum a few things up, though.

In no way was the practice of polyamory responsible for either of the breakups. People separate and divorce all the time due to a multitude of reasons. Our separations were "normal" in that respect. Also, in order for a poly relationship to succeed, or any relationship, for that matter, all participants must be emotionally stable and ready for the relationship. I wasn't. That's why it didn't work. Or one of the reasons, anyway.

Eventually, I married the girl from the internet. And here I made another mistake, which I think a lot of poly folk do at one time or another: I decided to "try" monogamy again, because my spouse wanted me to. And it should probably not surprise anyone that this attempt met ultimately with failure. Again, there were issues aplenty that led to the (amicable) separation, but this time, polyamory definitely played a role. I hadn't been true to myself. I'm not monogamous, and I was foolish to think I could become so, just out of a desire to please someone else. And further, it's not even a question of whether I ever will have multiple relationships... it's a matter of having that be an option. I can't accept not being "allowed" to develop feelings for another person. But just the same, she wasn't able to accept the possibility that I might do so.

I know this is something a lot of people struggle with. "Why," they ask me, "do you feel the need to fuck multiple people? Can't you be satisfied with just one?" First of all, it's not about the sex. It's about love. It's about real relationships. In fact, I don't even like talking about sex with regard to polyamory, because I honestly don't see it as relevant. If I were to go completely impotent tomorrow, or become paralyzed from the neck down, I would still be poly. Because it's not about what I'm doing with my penis; it's about what I'm doing with my heart. And so, secondly, I honestly don't view it as natural to limit oneself when it comes to feelings. Monogamy as most people know it is not a very old concept. And it's utterly artificial. Now, many people will say it feels quite natural to them, but that's quite possibly because they have no basis for comparison.

It's interesting, though, how my ideas about the "ideal" poly relationship have changed over the years. When my first wife and I embarked on our poly path, I desperately wanted something like what Earle had: a big ol' house with three or four "couples" living together... one big, happy, poly family. Fast forward several years, though, and that scenario only held minimal appeal. After the ending of my second marriage, I felt more inclined to be the "secondary" in someone else's relationships. A network of "intimate friendships" is what sounded ideal for me, at that point. But a couple years later, my feelings changed again. By this point, I was hoping for a primary relationship, but with those "options" open.

Only time will tell what the future will bring, though. Either way, I'm happier being a single person with options than a married one without.

By the way, about nine months after wife number two and I separated, I attended another poly gathering, this one in California. It was just as enlightening as the previous one had been, ten years before. A detailed description of that event (or my involvement in it) can be found on my blog, here.

Polyamory is a very important thing to me, a part of my core self. I've found it important enough to include poly themes in both of my novels, and am very open about my support of it as a legitimate lifestyle that has been horribly misrepresented by the media, not to mention stigmatized by its association with old-school Mormonism (which was not even remotely the same thing, as it was sexist and often non-consensual, two things "real" polyamory would never be). Yeah, it makes it much more difficult to meet someone new, since the majority of the dating prospects out there don't grok poly. But it doesn't matter much. Because I'm also happier being "alone" but true to myself than I was when I was married but repressing a part of who I was.

And when it comes right down to it, being happy with yourself is essential to being happy with anyone else.

(Last updated, Nov. 22, 2007)

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